Monday, July 20, 2009

But does Julian Tavarez think the Mets look like Jennifer Lopez?

"Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
Julian Tavarez after signing with Washington in March

Yesterday, Julian Tavarez was dumped by a 600-pounder. The last-place Nationals designated Tavarez for assignment.

So what's a 36-year-old pitcher with an ERA of 14.73 in July to do?

Maybe he should go back to that club, where another patron is sitting alone at four in the morning. This patron does not look like Jennifer Lopez, either.

But Tavarez is in his mid-thirties and available on the cheap, so to Omar Minaya and the Mets, he probably looks like Brad Pitt.

No, wait. It's Julio Lugo who looks like Brad Pitt to the Mets. Tavarez may have to settle for George Clooney.

There would be only one thing worse than the Mets signing Tavarez.

What if Tavarez tells the Mets, "It may be four in the morning. You may be the only one in the bar. But even I don't think you look anything like Jennifer Lopez. Go home with you? Fat chance."
at

2 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 20, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    Jon, why would the Mets sign Tavarez? I know that you are making an attempt at humor, but the attempt should be grounded in reality.
    The mets don't need bullpen arms, they need bodies to fill out the major league roster. Lugo is not someone that I would trade for, but if he is on the cheap, why not add another infielder to give Cora, Castillo, and Wright a rest once in a while?
    km

    ReplyDelete
  2. Uncle MikeJuly 21, 2009 at 10:48 AM

    Well, the Mets don't look like Jennifer Lopez. Phyllis Diller comes to mind: "I'm not in Who's Who, but I'm featured in What's That!"

    Let's see, can we use J-Lo puns on the Mets? She did make a movie called "Enough." But the last four years, the Mets have been a bigger bomb than "Gigli." J-Lo sang "My Love Don't Cost a Thing," but love of the Mets will cost you a few gray hairs. The Mets' Playoff hopes are "Out of Sight." And beating the Washington "Natinals" (at least they spelled "NATIONALS" right on their uniforms last night) isn't enough to make Met fans say "I'm Glad." So don't be fooled by the rocks that they got... Oh, wait, this generation of Mets doesn't have any rocks. Not from the neck down, anyway.

    J-Lo turns 40 on Friday. Hey, maybe the Mets should sign her. After all, it's not like she'd demand more money that Carlos Beltran, and she's not as big a diva as Jose Reyes. And, of course, despite her, uh, most familiar physical feature, Omar Minaya would still be the biggest... oh, fill in the rest of the punchline yourself!

    ReplyDelete