How to fix Oliver Perez: Have him talk trash about A-Rod

It's going to take a miracle to fix Oliver Perez, the sort of thing that would turn a pitcher recently described as a "nobody" into the author of a perfect game.

It's time for Oliver Perez to start spouting off about Alex Rodriguez.

In Dallas Braden's last two starts before today, he allowed nine earned runs and 19 hits in 11 innings. One of the teams that shelled him was Tampa Bay. Then Braden, weeks after the initial confrontation, started talking trash about A-Rod.

Presto - a perfect game, against the same Rays that beat Braden, 10-3, just two starts ago.

Even for Ollie, he was putrid today against the Giants, not making it out of the fourth inning while walking seven. Sure it was cold, but unless the Mets suddenly move into a dome, there won't be any weather guarantees for Ollie's starts. It's time for drastic measures. It's time to do things the way they do them in the 209.

This year's first Subway Series is only 12 days away, so now's the time for Ollie to start warning A-Rod to stay off his mound. Or else.

Braden warned A-Rod about how they settled matters in the 209, the area code for Braden's hometown. Ollie can start muttering about how they do things in whatever area code Ollie's home planet has.

Ollie doesn't seem like the confrontational sort, so if he's squeamish about threatening a three-time MVP, the Mets can reassure him that the way the rotation is currently set up, Ollie won't face the Yankees in two weeks anyway.

And if the rotation does change and Ollie's turn does come up, the way he's been pitching, he might be out of the rotation by then.

Because if Ollie doesn't get his act together real soon, it's going to be Jerry Manuel and Dan Warthen telling the floundering lefty, "Stay off my mound!"